+ a beau__tiful ho___

May 31, 2006

`theringingvoice.

Nobody hears it but me.

You're not ready for the exams.
You're sick.
You're gonna miss this exams somehow.

Blablabla. Shut up. I don't wanna listen.

I shouldn't let my mind wander
but it does.
And all it does is steal my time and
prevent me from studying.
But I have no control.

Neither should I pin my hopes too high
but I wish you'd grant my request.

I'm just an inch away from insanity.
Or maybe I already was.

Don't bring me down.

9.26pm
What am I doing here?
I should be studying.

-nIx- @ [[8:41 PM]]

Today I tried to make things better,
At least for Jy.
Cried for a long time last night.
I really hope her friend can help her.
Sorry to pass on the burden.

But now I'm back to square one.

We ate during break.
But I puked everything out minutes
after I finished eating.
Every cough makes me feel like vomiting,
even now.

Jy I'm so sorry.

I couldn't concentrate at all today.
Not even on reading the textbook.
I have a test tomorrow.
And exams in the next few days.

I don't know what to do.

-nIx- @ [[2:53 PM]]

May 30, 2006

Jy, I'm so sorry I've been a real bad friend. Sorry to drag you into this. Sorry I haven't been myself. Sorry to cause you to be in this state too. Sorry you have to eat your meals alone the past few days. Sorry for being so short-tempered. Sorry I ignore the comments we once always used to laugh at. Sorry you sometimes have to go out on your own. Sorry to only talk to you when you're stuck with the questions. Sorry I can't do my part as a friend to protect you.

I've notice at times you're not your usual self too. But I didn't know the cause of it all was me.
I'm really really sorry.

I miss us both but I just can't help myself and I don't think I can help you either. I really don't know how to make you feel better. =( Please take care. Please study hard. Please pass the exams. I really need you to be with me in all the classes.

I feel so guilty.
I've been a bad friend, I know.
I'm really sorry.

But please don't make me cry any further.

-nIx- @ [[11:24 PM]]

Everytime I try to laugh
I'm overwhelmed with this sudden anguish.
Like I'm a second away from crying
but I stop, because there's others around.
The same happens even when I try to smile.
I should stop trying altogether.

If anything untowardly happens to me,
please get JY to decipher my password.
I hope she remembers it.
MSN, hotmail, blogger, friendster.
Everything's the same.
Hack, crack, whatever all you want.
I don't care.

I'm sorry.

Don't bother talking to me.

-nIx- @ [[9:44 PM]]

`shewon'tlisten,neitherwouldtheyunderstand.

It's like one's from earth,
one's from mars.

They don't get what the other's trying to say.

Maybe she'd be dead even before
she tries to understand the others.

-nIx- @ [[12:36 PM]]

`badtoworse.

This morning I felt my body alternate
from feeling cold to breakouts of pespiration.

On off on off.

And to make things worse, my flu and phlegm
has decided to colour itself a sickly green.

Yesterday I fell asleep in less than half an hour.
How rare.
It's just what medicines are best for.
Okay maybe not.
I took it at 10 and went to bed at 12+.

I wish I could stop bothering for awhile, to get better,
but I just can't and won't.

-nIx- @ [[10:04 AM]]

May 29, 2006

`ithinkithoughtisawyoutry.

That's me in the corner
That's me in the spotlight
Losing my religion

-nIx- @ [[11:18 PM]]

Fix You
When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

and the tears come streaming down your face
when you lose something you can't replace

---

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.

I wish..

-nIx- @ [[9:09 PM]]

I just emptied the rubbish bin next to me
filled to the brim with tissue.
I've so far used up, say, half a box of tissue.
Definitely the worst flu I ever had
in my entire life.

Completed my questions, some twice, some thrice.
And I used up a whole stack of foolscap.
Byebye $1.95.
Cheapskate. Okay, sunk cost.
I found it under my mum's table.
Who else would use it anyway.

NYAAH.
My fever's gone and back.
Or maybe it was there all the while.

She says,
You're so different from the others ;
I've never seen anyone like you before.
I wanna be in your league,
but maybe I was never part of it.

nIx, OUT.

-nIx- @ [[6:50 PM]]

`sotiredofreachingout.

Feels as if I just wrote a goodbye message.

Still feeling feverish but thankfully
a little more sane than yesterday
or the day before yesterday.

I need a break.

-nIx- @ [[9:44 AM]]

May 28, 2006

`moneycan'tbuyeverything.

Right?

My fever is still persistant
and I sneezed 10times in a minute,
followed by 5 more while grabbing
the tissue box.

44.

-nIx- @ [[9:44 PM]]

`provemewrong.

I was so right.
I fell asleep after not less than
one hour of (fill in the blank).

Woke up with flu and fever,
endured 6+hours of air con,
lost my balance in the MRT
(I have no idea how)
and the only thing I consumed
since I woke up would be
Marigold's strawberry yoghurt drink.

My MP3's flat and I can't find a working cable.

Watch me die.

-nIx- @ [[6:07 PM]]

i'm so tired of being here
suppressed by all of my childish fears
and if you have to leave
i wish that you would just leave
because your presence still lingers here
and it won't leave me alone

these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase

when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears
and i've held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me

you used to captivate me
by your resonating light
but now i'm bound by the life you left behind
your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

i've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
and though you're still with me
i've been alone all along

I used to relate myself with this lyrics.
Not all, part of it.

And for a while, it all went away.
But now, it's here to stay.
):

In this world there's real and make believe

I try and pretend -
my memories ; I weaved them all up.
But the more I try.. the more I cry.

Morning class tomorrow and it's 1am.
I'm afraid of sleeping too.
Afraid it'd end like my afternoon nap attempt.

-nIx- @ [[12:38 AM]]

May 27, 2006

`don'twakemeup.

It's getting out of hand
and I can't do anything.

I want to sleep forever.

this is my life
its not what it was before
all these feelings i've shared
and these are my dreams
that i'd never lived before
somebody shake me
cuz i, i must be sleeping

now that we're here,
it's so far away
all the struggle we thought was in vain
all in the mistakes,
one life contained
they all finally start to go away
now that we're here its so far away
and i feel like i can face the day i can forgive
and i'm not ashamed to be the person that i am today

these are my words
that i've never said before
i think i'm doing okay
and this is the smile
that i've never shown before

somebody shake me cuz i
i must be sleeping

i'm so afraid of waking
please don't shake me
afraid of waking
please don't shake me

And I just can't get to sleep..

-nIx- @ [[6:48 PM]]

I wish I could give up on the expectations
I set on myself.
But I'm so guilt-stricken with every minute
not spent on my books.

That just shows how easily anyone can
make me feel guilty.

I wish I could just disappear from this earth.

You say you wander your own land
But when I think about it
I don't see how you can
You're aching, you're breaking
And I can see the pain in your eyes
Says everybody's changing
And I don't know why

So little time
Try to understand that I'm
Trying to make a move to stay in the game
I try to stay awake and remember my name
But everybody's changing
And I don't feel the same

You're gone from here
And soon you will disappear
Cause everybody's changing
And I don't feel right

So little time
Try to understand that I'm
Trying to make a move to stay in the game
I try to stay awake and remember my name
But everybody's changing
And I don't feel the same

-nIx- @ [[9:07 AM]]

May 26, 2006

So I should just shut up,
tear my heart out and
stop breathing.

How simple.

I say one thing and they reciprocate
with much more remarks.

Yesterday, all my trouble seemed so far away
Now it looks as though they're here to stay
Oh I believe in yesterday

Suddenly. I'm not half the man I used to be
there's a shaddow hanging over me
Oh yesterday came suddenly

Now I need a place to hide away
Oh I believe in yesterday

-nIx- @ [[11:15 PM]]

`fugly.

Cried during break.

Apart from teaching Jy how to do
a question,
I never spoke more than 10words
to her, neither did I reply her.
Sorry.

Skipped lunch.

What a fugly life.
Even my sister's earphone is spoilt.

-nIx- @ [[6:59 PM]]

May 25, 2006

`ihearyoutalkingaboutme.

Today was so smooth-flowing, NOT.
I broke my very pretty glass.
I dropped my calculator.
I dropped my pencil.
I signed up for the same classes.
I lost my newly made earring.
My earphones stopped working.
And I pissed my dad off again.

I can't live without my MP3.
It's about the only thing that keeps
my mind off anything if I follow
the lyrics and all.

Today a group of people were talking
about me.
They assume all my classes free.
No, I paid for at least one.
I don't think they knew I was listening.
I was merely staring at the book
and Jy was outside making a long phonecall.

And at that moment I just wanted to break down.
I wanted them to stop talking.
To stop reminding me about my results.
I just wanted them to stop.

Damnit. Bye you fugly world.
I've had enough.

-nIx- @ [[11:19 PM]]

`myobsessionwithfortyfours.

Yesterday Jy and me saw at least
5 in a row.
Today I saw 3 since 9am.
It just comes.

I'm going to sign up for courses today.
Hope I don't wind up in the same class.

They should give me 8 vouchers
since I have 4names there. Boo.

Fools. Always wanting the things they don't have.
But once they get them, they take it for granted.

There's a very thin line between
those I trust and those I don't.
I'm very much afraid once you break it,
there's no turning back.
Treasure it while you can.
One wrong move and you're out,
intentionally or not.

Don't just walk out of my life.
`cuz everyone learns from mistakes.

-nIx- @ [[11:44 AM]]

`miss,missing,missed.

Totally drugged.
It's either the medicine works,
or just me and my worn out body.
At least I could fall back to sleep
straight after waking up,
until the time I planned to wake up.
Superb. I needed the rest badly.

Yesterday I was rude to two guys.
But I think they deserved it.
One was riding a bike.
Jy on phone :"Hello"
Guy echoes, "Hello"
So I just turned around and shouted
"WHAT?"

And the second just signalled to Jy
with his hands to get out of his path.
So I turned around and stuck out
my tongue and did some pfft sound.
You don't own the path, dude.

And guess who we saw at the busstop?
Shit.
I just grabbed jy's phone and started
speaking crap nonchalantly
to whoever that person was on the phone
while walking past, then passed it
back to her.
My lifesaver. (:

I miss my strawberry lipbalm.
Berrylicious.

So tell me ; where do I stand?

-nIx- @ [[9:58 AM]]

May 24, 2006

OH HELL YEA.
I'd very easily be overwhelmed with
guilt so go ahead, hit me with more.

Seriously, I still don't know what
I did wrong but I have this constant
guilt haunting me.

So hello, bang bang.
Continue shooting me.

I forgot to buy your lunch.
I know I promised.
I forgotttttttttttttt.
Totally.
And I'm sorry.

Eh whatever.
I left my lip balm at that maple place
and had to buy another at Guardian.
Watched Da Vinci Code.
Was fine, though I'd recommend you
read the book first or something.

Had a 45minute ride on 851.
And I so feel like puking now, still.

Let's just call it a day.
I'm gonna down that medcine and fall alseep.
And it better work.

-nIx- @ [[11:10 PM]]

`crucifyme.

Everytime I pick up my book I start..
Whatever.
I barely read 5pages since I came back.

All I've been doing is...
Whatever.

I can still remember how I went crazy.
Crying hysterically amidst the "laughter" over my results.
I ain't the slightest bit happy over it.
It just reminds me of the person I once used to be.
I hate changes, be it changing others or myself.
Especially when I know I'm heading
towards the negative side,
and I can't turn back.

It's the worst feeling ever.
To know you're alive, yet dead.

Remove my motionless body from that rubble,
and when you die, there I'll be,
welcoming you with open arms.

-nIx- @ [[12:09 AM]]

May 23, 2006

`stopthetearsfromrollingdown.

Ran across the road just seconds
before the oncoming traffic.
But after class Jy didn't dare
to do the same thing so we WAITED
ages for the next traffic light.

Today.
-Jy and me got a treat to Vitagen!
(To congratulate me and to encourage JY)
-Cheers store sold alcoholic drinks
to an underaged girl. Hur.

13more days to exams and I havn't
attempted a question out of class.
This spells what?

D E E P S H I T

Okay. Time to study.

-nIx- @ [[6:23 PM]]

I just feel like drawing on my skin
with the hilighter, let the toxic ink
seep into my skin and kill me. (:

Anyway I'm done hilighting all my books.
Time to revise, memorise formulas
and attempt questions.
So much to do, so little time.
And my mood just makes it worse.

Where are you and I'm so sorry
I cannot sleep I cannot dream tonight

-nIx- @ [[11:13 AM]]

May 22, 2006

`thefirstcutisthedeepest.

And instead of worrying about my exams
I'm actually here blogging.

Forever and ever, I try and try,
but I keep falling back to square one.

What would you do,
when life seems so tough,
when you've got nothing to fall back on,
when you feel so lost,
when you just feel.. like giving up -
on life, on yourself?

And you just feel like dying,
so you could have the answers
to all the questions that
you could never understand.

I'm not here to let everyone know
I'm wallowing myself with self-pity.
I'm just confused. As if I'm suddenly left
to face the world alone.

Untitled
(Perfect title. I don't know how I'm feeling either.)

I open my eyes
I try to see but I'm blinded
By the white light
I can't remember how
I can't remember why
I'm lying here tonight
And I can't stand the pain
And I can't make it go away
No I can't stand the pain

How could this happen to me?
I made my mistakes
Got no where to run
The night goes on
As I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me?

Everybody's screaming
I try to make a sound
But no one hears me
I'm slipping off the edge
I'm hanging by a thread
I wanna start this over again
So I try to hold onto
A time when nothing mattered
And I can't explain what happened
And I can't erase the things that I've done
No I can't

-nIx- @ [[11:42 PM]]

`escapism.

I got a personal manicurist.
Today was fun.
Time to get serious now.

Today we went swimming, sauna,
tanning(No sun. Boo.) , earring making,
rabbit feeding and had kfc.

Either the pool downstairs has smoke
or its oily. I still think it's smoke
and I have no idea why it's smoking.
Creepy shit.

Anyway we made earrings.
I hate making them because I'm so
bad at mixing and matching I rather
pay to get a pair.
But I got so fascinated by using
unwanted keychains and turning them
into earrings.
Together we made
3 postpets, 1 bearbrick, 1 minnie mouse,
1 daisy duck, 2stone dangles, 2 ribbon dangles
and 1 crappy yet cute design
(by me, before keychain fiesta).
Now I've got no more cute keychains.

Yesterday I went offline at 1am and
packed my room till 2am.
Still was wide awake at 3.
Sucks.

Lin - MY ROOM IS CLEANNNNN.

Ever felt lost beyond words?

-nIx- @ [[8:52 PM]]

May 21, 2006

So I spent like $35 today.
Tssk. Sorry mum, sorry dad.

Today after school I walked one
big big big big big big big big
round around the mrt so I could
miss the train.
But who knows I saw my classmates
and waved bye to them..
looked in their direction after a
few minutes and saw that classmate.

ZZZzzzzzzzz.
Freaked out and walked all the way
to the orange doors.

What the hell.
I'm definatly sure he could have
caught the train I missed,
even without running for it.

Okay enough of freaking out.
Today's class was rather enjoyable.
So was shopping.
But not the food. Wanted to puke.
Don't know why. Mos Burger. +.+

Study time.
I feel so guilty for going out
the whole day.

On, off. On, off.
Hell yea, nice mood swings.

-nIx- @ [[10:58 PM]]

Even though I feel so tired at midnight
I can't fall asleep before 2.30am,
then I wake up every now and then
and finally wake up at 8+,9+ and
can't get back to sleep.
I don't like it when my mum comes
in at 8+am to say goodbye before she
goes to work.
Can't get back to sleep after that.
But since she wants to then fine.

I'm dead tired.
Seems like insomnia.

And I obviously am going to take some
action after my exams if it still persists.

Sometimes I just feel like going crazy
and remaining that way.
Cuz that's where the battle's lost
but where pain goes away.
Then again, I don't want to be so dumb
to add more salt to the wound after
I'm sober once again.

Makes me wonder why I'm the one
having sleepless nights instead.

Leaves me wondering what I've done wrong but never realised.
I don't know.

-nIx- @ [[10:27 AM]]

May 20, 2006

`i'dgiveupeverything.

Seems like results don't matter anymore.
Nor does life.

I don't know, I don't know.

And when the broken hearted people
Living in the world agree,
There will be an answer, let it be.

For though they may be parted there is
Still a chance that they will see
There will be an answer, let it be.
Let it be, let it be.
There will be an answer, let it be.

-nIx- @ [[11:17 PM]]

I went skating.
Spent a total of $23.40 today.
Plus $20 ezlink topup.

Almost fell trying val's skates.
Way too big for my leg.

Ah skating. Just let the other's update
you about it.

I'm not very much into the mood for blogging.

Thanks. I hope you'll read it soon.
I wish to hear from you soon. ~~Though unlikely.~~

-nIx- @ [[10:01 PM]]

`stereotyped.

Now what.

You're exams are coming and you still
want to go ice skating? Crazy.

The world's never a safe place to begin with.

It just gets more depressing day by day.

-nIx- @ [[9:40 AM]]

`insolentfools.

I'm into my 13th lipice lipbalm.
Strawberry.

aftercryhiccups.
I need a break.
A long one.

-nIx- @ [[1:38 AM]]

May 19, 2006

YES YOU SUCKER LOST TO ME.

Too bad I didn't take T4 in before December
else I'd have my name in all T1 to T5.
Then I'd be first in T4 too.

Okay, the point is I WON YOU.
SUCKERRRRRRRRRRR.

You made me lose EVERYTHING.

But what's the point?
When my motivation is long gone.

I know I'll go crazy soon.
I laugh till I cry.
But not because I'm happy.
I just can't take it anymore.

You suck.
I really don't know how to forgive you.

-nIx- @ [[11:26 PM]]

Yeah I should just die.
Before I get another heart attack.

Jy and me were hiding behind some wall,
part of our plan and we heard that voice.
Good thing the lift came.
The first button I pressed was close.

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

and you bleed just to know you're alive.

-nIx- @ [[6:06 PM]]

`contradicting.

And if I didn't have exams coming soon,
I know I'd still be there replaying
that....... over and over again.

12.49am
It doesn't seem to work.

-nIx- @ [[12:48 AM]]

I got what I wanted for today.
So what?
And because of that I missed 2hours
of class.

Jy was a great bitch in class today.
I could never be like her.
Not now, not anymore.

It's 12.15 now.
I hope I fall asleep by 1.

Sorry but you won't like it.
Once I get the answers I don't want.

-nIx- @ [[12:03 AM]]

May 18, 2006

`killme.

I could have just died in my dreams.
Don't know why I bothered to retaliate.
Maybe if I died there I'd be dead now.

As if I could wake up overnight
and say I don't care anymore.

~~atyourdisposal~~NOT.

-nIx- @ [[10:10 AM]]

I still can't figure out how to
download it into my comp.

I will figure it out soon.

It's gotta be what I think it is.

-nIx- @ [[1:58 AM]]

`whenigocrazy.

You don't have to tell me.
Spent no less than 15minutes
repeating a 12second extract from
something I chanced upon.
Okay more than 15now.

Don't walk away.

-nIx- @ [[12:44 AM]]

May 17, 2006

`rockwall,brickwall,wall.

What's the point of having so many laptops?
4labtops and 1computer.
And my dad wants an apple.

Yes, I'm complaining because I hate money.
But I hate unneccesary spending too.
Okay, I'll get scolded for it if they
find out I'm complaining.
They work and reward themselves.
Good for you.
I'm always the last to get things.
But then I don't need it.
I don't want them either.

I guess the old one's going.
For $1k back to the school.

*Grabs one to room*.
But then again, the internet connection there
is so weak I can't connect 90% of the time.

Zzz.
Just a vcd/dvd player to accompany me till
2am almost daily is good enough.
That was totally a good buy.
I get so drained I fall asleep
soon after watching the show.

Feels like talking to a wall.
I don't even know how to salvage it.

-nIx- @ [[11:22 PM]]

`f.forfrustrating.

It just gets so frustrating
how I'm not able to know everything.

-nIx- @ [[8:38 PM]]

It just gets worse when you do something
with a purpose to forget something else.

Not like anything else helps either.

Never ever have I ever felt so low
When you gonna take me out of this black hole
Never ever have I ever felt so sad
The way i'm feeling yeah you got me feeling really bad
Never ever have I had to find
I've had to dig away to find my own piece of mind
I've never ever had my conscience to fight
The way i'm feeling yeah it just don't feel right

-nIx- @ [[3:47 PM]]

May 16, 2006

`areyouheretoredeemme?
from all the crap happening.

Had 55laps, across a greater length.
Equivalent to the 100laps 2days before.
It just helps me forget all the shit
life presents before my very eyes.

But what happens when I stop?
It just comes back.

-nIx- @ [[11:49 PM]]

`thisishowyouremindme.

I almost had a heart attack in class.
All I wanted to do was to run down
and out of the building.
But I managed to stuff everything
in my bag and rush out.

I was so relaxed after solving that
stupid question and she comes and
tell me bad news.
My heart stopped for a while.
No, I'm not exaggerating.

Wonder if I should give up my vouchers
and go to another school altogether.

Whatever, whatever.

-nIx- @ [[8:03 PM]]

`emokilledthefallenstar.
Againnnnnnnnn.

Tortoise's missing.
Life's so screwed.

Feels as if there's a debt that will
take more than a lifetime to repay.

-nIx- @ [[10:41 AM]]

1111th post.

a happy post

Too bad.

-nIx- @ [[10:39 AM]]

May 15, 2006

`atitagain.

Please don't.

My head's spinning around and around.

They say, promises are meant to be broken
and some words are never meant to be spoken.

But I beg to differ.

-nIx- @ [[11:25 PM]]

`wish.

If you were given one and only one wish,
what would you ask for?

-nIx- @ [[11:06 PM]]

4hours of sleep.
48pages of notes.

`nevereverneverever.
Bah.

Why not fast-forward now?
Cuz I'm so sick, so sick of this life.

-nIx- @ [[8:38 PM]]

`AUNTIEEEEE.

I hope my maths wasn't that
bad in my primary school.

Girl "How much is this book?"
Me : "nine ninety five."
*girl takes out a few coins,
less than 90cents*
Me : "No. Nine dollars and ninety five cents"
Girl : "Ohhhh."
*nods head and takes another book*
Girl : "How much is this?"
Me : "Eight seventy five"
*girl takes out something like 80cents*
Me : "No. Eight dollars and seventy five cents."
Girl : "Ohhhh."
*nods head again and takes another book*
(same question)
Me : "Fourteen dollars blablaba."
*Girl attempts to take more coins out*
In the end I passed her to my sis who
got her a $2 book.

Okay I passed my maths well in school.
I don't think I was like her.

No longer Sweet Valley.
Now it's some fairy book
and some mice book.

Oh, and food and drinks are so CHEAP.
But we just keep eating and eating
and drinking and drinking.
The serving's so teeny weeny.

Pic's below.

before entering the school

my vendor card. 44!

their track field and the secondary school(building on the left)

their little cozy corner in the canteen

Oh so cute. Plus I've never seen anyone
squabble over pianos before.

Then the lower primary sang some song
after their recess ended before
they went back to class.

Kids.
Off for now.

-nIx- @ [[6:50 PM]]

May 14, 2006

`drowneddownstairs.

FEP, Somerset, Dhoby, home.

Went down the pool but it was
so blur and dark so I went
to the next.
For an hour and half.
100times back and forth,
in the shallow area.
Down with flu now.

I've yet to study today's
share of textbook.

Now I hope I get some good sleep tonight.

-nIx- @ [[10:44 PM]]

`bah.

Once again I have nothing to say.
Actually I have lots.
But I don't know where or how to start.

Neither do I want to screw things up ;
like my life isn't already screwed enough.

For the first time in a month or more,
I saw myself with the longest and happiest smile,
in a dream.
No, I must have mistaken that girl as me.
She was so happy.
I bet she's still happy now,
cuddling in death's arms.

Girl, why didn't you takemealong?

-nIx- @ [[10:44 AM]]

`overthehappymemories.

Cry, crying, cries, ~~cried~~.
Not done with the last.
But it's time she should stop,
even for the slightest while.

-nIx- @ [[12:11 AM]]

May 13, 2006

`intothevoid.

Weekends suck.
Because there's nothing to do,
to watch and nobody to talk to.
Nobody any longer.

Saturdays used to be the day I
look most forward to.
But not now.
Argh.

Speaking of which, I havn't been to town
for months, apart from being stuck
in buildings like Taka and walking
past buildings but not stepping in.

Heyy. Whatever.
I'm at my 1102nd post.
I promise my 1111th post will be
a happy post okay?
If I'm still alive then.

But for now,
just kill me.
I see no meaning in life.

-nIx- @ [[10:02 PM]]

Rose - Amy Studt

So much sorrow she has to bear,
I watched her cry in her sleep.
Day by day her pain becomes more,
and then she turned to me.
She becomes so aware, that life is ruthlessly unfair.
And who are you to judge her pain?
Cuz now maybe your suffer the same.

Rose, such a lucky flower.
So excited with her youth, she wants to be mature.
Rose, such a lucky flower.
So enchanted with her looks, we watch and we adore.

Some things, never seem important, till there gone.
Constantly struggling to make it on her own.
She becomes so aware, that life is ruthlessly unfair.
And who are you to judge her pain?
Cuz maybe your suffer the same.

Rose, such a lucky flower.
So excited with her youth, she wants to be mature.
Rose, such a lucky flower.
So enchanted with her looks, we watch and we adore.

And she put her hand in mine,
and I noticed the tears in her eyes.
Then she said to me, I need a friend tonight.
So she said.
So long this life,
and all the weights heavy on my mind.
So long this world,
I was never meant for this, anyway.

Rose, such a lucky flower.
So excited with her youth, she wants to be mature.
Rose, such a lucky flower.
So enchanted with her looks, we watch and we adore.

-nIx- @ [[5:06 PM]]

`perhapsileftmybrainbehind.

I need to re-learn and differentiate
what'srightfromwrong.

No, maybe not me.
Them. They need it real badly.

I can't read minds, I can't read intentions.
But I do believe, that the sunshine
neverintendedtoharmme.
And I never meant to either.

-nIx- @ [[11:44 AM]]

`impressme.

She can't voice out because puppets
have their mouth sealed up.
Wait a minute ; she only has a line
painted across her face people call mouth.

Even if she could speak, her cries,
no matter how strong, would be drowned ;
so frail and faint, fused into the background.

Just adds to the composition of hell's song.
An ensemble fit for fools ;
for those who never cared about the aftermath.

-nIx- @ [[1:03 AM]]

May 12, 2006

~~`stop,rewind,replay.~~
`stop,rewind,erase,newentryplease.

I wish life was like this.
Then I'd rewind rewind rewind.

But then again, nobody's perfect.
We all make mistakes.

But I'll never make the same mistake again.
If only I was given the chance to.

-nIx- @ [[11:49 PM]]

`smartidiot.

One by one, they removed the pillars.
Slowly at first, but soon the masses
arrived and took them away.
The place she once called home,
caved in on her.

Baby, you're so doomed.

-nIx- @ [[9:47 PM]]

`itseemssoyesterday.

I betcha love seeing me this way.

Hey blog, you should be glad.
You're the only thing I'm communicating with.

I don't read minds ; I wish I could.

Humans need sunshine to live.
Don't you already know that?

-nIx- @ [[12:23 PM]]

May 11, 2006

Why do guys make me cry,
make me sad,
make me scared?

I couldn't even handle a little
debate with my dad over HOUSEWORK..
Or whatever shit he was talking just now.
~~The raindrops keep falling on my head.~~
The teardrops keep falling on my leg.

I should start cleaning penknives
like Val did.
The only difference is mine's rusty.

You make my hair stand,
my body tremble,
take away my sunshine,
my life, my everything
and turn my nightmares alive.
And if that's not enough
you make me extremely depressed.
Good news for you is bad news for us,
and vice-versa.
Maybe it's not us, maybe it's just me.
But why don't you just buzz off?
Buzz off. Buzz off. Buzz off!
I don't even have the guts to look you
in the eye and tell you to go away.
But why can't you read my body language?

JYYYYYYYYY.
I forgot to tell you something.

No. Maybe someone should just kill me.
Now.

-nIx- @ [[11:23 PM]]

Guy at coffeeshop to friend.
"Wah bloody hell here so much food
you don't know what to eat?
Come i show you.."
*looks at food and points* "FISH!"

Then before that he took the slippers
of some guy who was smoking and placed
it under our table next to Jy's feet
and said "SHhhhhhhh."
And that guy went around the place
finding his slippers.
Screwed up world.

-nIx- @ [[6:20 PM]]

JY, I'm gonna kill her.
Stuck at the shop again.
Cuz she insists on waiting.

Ohhhhhhhhh.
Zzz.
Wadeva.

Everyone else's gonna kill me
cuz I've hogged a computer and
am merely browsing the net and blogging.
So smart.

Off for now.

-nIx- @ [[5:59 PM]]

`6monthsago.
I had the best birthday ever.
Please me.
I've never had a happier, better or
more special birthday than that.

Can you recall the wish she made?

`1monthago.
She died.

I think I shall stop celebrating
my birthday from now on.
Don't bother. Please don't.

Can I make a half-wish on her behalf, please?

-nIx- @ [[11:44 AM]]

May 10, 2006

Choose Me or Die

ASUFARUTO kagayaku koi no Free way
Kitto tsukamaete miseru wa Baby
...before midnight (I shoot at your heart)
I say... BANG! BANG! (I shoot at your love)

Marude eiga no you ni yume no you ni futari wa deai
Shitashiku nare takedo tomodachi no mama ja iya na no
Mou ... you know? baby

“if you don’t say you love me, I’ll kill you
Tell me your answer, choose me or die”

love U love U love U love U

Osoi roji he to oikonda Chance Chance
SAACHIRAITO ga mabushi iwa Stay there...
Hands up! “TEDDY BEAR” (Shooting at your heart)
Want you... BANG! BANG! (Shooting at your love)

KOOTO wo nugi sutete nerai utsu koi no ya no you ni
Watashi wa ooma jime onegai yo katamara naide
HAATO kata ni aita sono mune no naka he tobikomu
Mayowa naide hayaku tomodachi no waku, fumi koete Saa Come on baby

Sore wa DORAMA no you ni totsuzen ni kokoro toraete
Watashi wo damaraseru ai toiu na no ORUGOORU
Anata koso ga RIARU gensou no naka ni yura meku
TANNARU kami-sama no itazura de owarase naide

-----

アスファルト輝く恋のFree way
きっとつかまえてみせるわ Baby
...before midnight (I shoot at your heart)
I say... BANG! BANG! (I shoot at your love)

まるで映画のように夢のようにふたりは出逢い
親しくなれたけど友達のままじゃいやなの
もう... you know? baby

“if you don’t say you love me, I’ll kill you
Tell me your answer, choose me or die”

love U love U love U love U

細い路地へと追い込んだ Chance Chance
サーチライトが眩しいわ Stay there...
Hands up!"TEDDY BEAR"(Shooting at your heart)
Want you... BANG! BANG! (Shooting at your love)

コートを脱ぎ捨てて狙いうつ恋の矢のように
わたしは大まじめお願いよ固まらないで
ハート型に空いたその胸の中へ飛び込む
迷わないで早く友達の枠、踏み越えて
さあ Come on baby

それはドラマのように突然に心捕らえて
わたしを黙らせる愛という名のオルゴール
あなたこそがリアル幻想の中に揺らめく
単なる神様の悪戯で終わらせないで

-----

HAAAAAAAAH. VAL UR MP3. XD

Will you be my fortyfour?
I don't want to know the answer.
So I'll just present it to the void.

-nIx- @ [[11:52 PM]]

Yo. Sucks.
I think I got out of the wrong side
of the bed today.
Not only today.
For the past 6days.

Today I had to take the same lift
with Nageb and Zzz.
Nageb : "Did you pass my paper?"
Me : "Of course!"

So today, Jy and me had our fill
in break time and ranaway to the
lan shop to hideout.

Must thing of another fugly plan
tomorrow since it's 2hours break.
What the hell?
School from 2pm to 10pm.
After that Jy and me can go
admire the shops opposite the road
and see if they're still open. HEH.

Maybe we'll go down to her house.
I had to follow her to her busstop
then drop by 7/11 and breadshop
just to avoid the person taking MRT.
Kind soul bought ange egg roll.
Yah ange now you know why I'm so kind.

Today I went out with ange, elie and lut.
Photo frenzy.
I keep eating the whole day.
1st class break -
Za jiang mian, chicken rice,
black carrot cake.
lunch break -
hello panda strawberry dip.
2nd class break -
coated peanut, sugared peanut,
mango juice.

After meeting them in Orchard -
Breadtalk bread, St Leaven's breadx1
mini bread x2, lollipop.

Eh for goodness sake KFC!
ICE LEMON TEA IS SUPPOSED TO
TASTE LIKE LEMON TEA NOT ICED TEA.
One piece of lemon is not enough.
Don't know why lut's cup had 3slices.
So I mashed a total of 4slices into
val's cup. That's lemon tea!
I love lemon tea, but not bottled ones.

No ice skating today. Boo.

Noooo. Stop talking to me.
I only want to talk to Jy.
Go away!

-nIx- @ [[11:26 PM]]

School for 6.5hours today!
How fugly!

You know why?
There was class yesterday,
apparently only a handful turned up
so he postponed it.
How responsible I am to miss a class.

Speaking of which, I've a class
in 5minutes time.

I think I shall go there late.

Ps. I'm at the shop opposite my school.
(A little further from those you-know-whats.)

Let's cry over that dream of yours,
shall we?

lifesucks..

-nIx- @ [[1:57 PM]]

May 09, 2006

Damnit.
Money don't drop from the sky.
So what if my parents save money for
your education?
At least they bothered to.
Don't ask for more than you're given.

Live with that amount they saved.
What the hell are you doing?
Complaining it's not enough?
Then you should have started saving
your own self long ago.
Or go for some other cheaper school.

Why must it be the best school?
Don't go overbroad.
You want to go to such a good school,
you should have started working some
proper job instead of staying home
and do nothing but mess up.

You're going to owe them a hell lot
of money.
So am I, but I'm determined to earn
back the money fast.

I'm not in a school everyone recognises
but at least I'm working hard to be
one of the top few to get a little
recognition. Outshine the rest.
That's my way of shouting out,
"I'M HERE. I EXIST. I'M GOOD. HIRE ME."

Eh damnit. I hate money.

------

I can't go skating because.
1. I have no money.
2. I have full day at school tomorrow.
3. Nobody wants to go.

Oh the school sms-ed at 7.30pm
to say there's classes tomrorow.
That's like less than 24hours notice.
Not like it makes much of a difference
to me though.
Tomorrow I shall spare myself a day
off from studying.

So screwed.

-nIx- @ [[11:44 PM]]

Everything's just so screwed.
Mark my words.

How can the school do this?
Set up extra classes and never
inform us by sms, call or email?
You just inform the foreign students
and expect us to know there are classes
when we don't have to go back everyday
for attendance?
Yay. Screwed number 1.

I don't know where Jy and me gonna run
to for the break tomorrow, if there
really is classes.
Screwed number 2.

I feel so retarded.
Sleeping the whole day.
I wish I didn't need to wake up.
Screwed number 3.

The two people are planning to go
to HK while during the time
they're gone I have my exams.
I wanna go HK!
Screwed number 4.

~~Puppy~~, no puppy?.
I don't want it just to substitute
the missing pieces in my life.
Sounds like my purpose in buying
it is just to have a listening ear.
It wouldn't be fair for anyone or anything.
I fear I'd abandon it if life goes better
or grow more dependent if life gets
more depressing.
Screwed number 5.

I'm speechless today.
Screwed number 6.

Life is so screwed.
I should just end it now.

She's not much different than her either.

-nIx- @ [[5:15 PM]]

`helplessonceagain.
I keep falling.
I know I will again.
Soon, very soon.
I just can't go on any longer.

Where it comes to the point
you can't take it no longer.
Just cry out loud.
Once the pain has reached it's max,
it'll no longer hurt, more.

They say, some day you'll understand,
girl, why some things are meant to be.

-nIx- @ [[12:14 PM]]

Tell me this is the dumbest person you ever met.
I rather spend the money on shopping
(Though I'm not much of a shopaholic).

-nIx- @ [[12:12 PM]]

May 08, 2006

Dae Jang Geum -
"even death cannot erase all hate."

I thought so too.
But now it's gone away.
What good would it do, when you don't
know who it was in the first place?

So I'm gonna just learn to let go,
leave all my pain behind.
I keep telling myself that, but can I?

Ps, no I'm not grounded tomorrow,
it's on the 16th.

It's been way too long.

-nIx- @ [[11:08 PM]]

`ohsoscrewed.

I'm down with the worst headache ever.

Don't think I'd be studying today.
So screwed.
It's the worst headache in ages.
Damnit.

Feng you helps.
But then again I think I overdid it.
It feels as if it's burning my skin.

-nIx- @ [[7:23 PM]]

`wannagoout.

Who wanna go out today(Monday)?
Ring me up at my hp.
After 9.15am at least please.

Grounded on Tuesday(rather).
I have to recieve my sister's bed!
She better clear her room because
I'm not gonna bother.

RESOURCEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Fag.

-nIx- @ [[12:37 AM]]

Damn. Life is just so boring.
So bloody different.

It used to be
cheery airs, singing, dancing,
prancing around.
Now it's just staring listlessly
down from the window, or at the
computer screen, or just lying on
the bed staring at the ceiling.

Oh. I forgot.
They're two totally different people.
She died not too long ago,
now the latter's here to stay.

-nIx- @ [[12:21 AM]]

May 07, 2006

I wanna resource! I wanna resource!
I wanna resource!

SHERWYNNNNNNNNNN. JOIN ME?

-nIx- @ [[9:59 PM]]

`i'veneverfallensohard.

And the only 3things that's been
running on my mind,
voluntarily or not is
studies, death and something else.
And it's been scaring me pretty badly.

Oh wells.

-nIx- @ [[9:35 PM]]

`boohoo. :(

Allergic to chilli?
Have breathing difficulties
after eating too much of them.
What a perfect way to kill myself!
I love spicy food.

Time to study?
I feel like having a movie marathon instead.
Okay bath.

Or maybe I should just go back to sleep
because that's when the thoughts and
that crap feeling stop temporarily.

-nIx- @ [[3:22 PM]]

`lostforwords.

After last night's feast,
I woke up with no voice.
Not that I have much now.

I feel like crap.

-nIx- @ [[11:23 AM]]

`oneeyeopen.

I just finished that movie.
No comments.
Before I end up blind too,
I better go to sleep.
Bye.

-nIx- @ [[12:40 AM]]

May 06, 2006

HOOOOOO~ =x
Had laksa and rojak and crab bee hoon.
Barley(hot/cold), avocado milk,
mixed fruit drink.
Waited 1hour and 10minutes for the
crab bee hoon. I TIMED.

The guy told my mum half an hour.
After an hour they told her 5minutes.

Anyway, I cut my finger.
Stupid crab. =(
So sad the soup doesn't taste as nice
as last visit's.

$40.40. Rather worth the money.

Luther ; get well soon. =)

Off for now.

-nIx- @ [[10:35 PM]]

I want to eat Golden Pillow!
But I have cough.
And my right eye's close to
bloodshot red.
Finished 27pages.
I don't think I shall go bother
finding 3 random pages to study.
Don't have the mood to either.
Off for now.

-nIx- @ [[7:24 PM]]

`likewildfire.

Like how lin mention "dot" in real life
and I started typing dot in OZ.
And within the next few days the people
inside start typing "dot", while a few
days ago, I've never seen anyone
typing "dot" before.

And I don't know why I started using
dodobird after I came back from Taiwan.
But I didn't see anyone using the word either.
Now it seems like the word's being used so freely.
Plus I don't remember seeing this part below
that time when I was looking at the same website,
not too long ago.

Informal. One who is out-of-date, as in dress or ideas.
Informal. A stupid person; an idiot.

Okay whatever.
Call it freedom of speech.
I just want to rant about trend.

Ange, let's invent new words!

-nIx- @ [[4:54 PM]]

`deprivedchildhood.

Lol. If... I finish my 30pages,
I'm gonna reward myself with tons
of movies for the rest of the day.

If.

-nIx- @ [[3:19 PM]]

`silentcriesofprotest.

Behind this battered and weary body
lietheheavy-hearted.
Restless. Oh please take a breather.

-nIx- @ [[2:43 PM]]

`missing.sunshine

shecan'tsleep.

randomrandom.
Freezing, foreign, stoned.

-nIx- @ [[6:18 AM]]

`moviemarathon.

When a stranger calls ;
Mission Impossible III.

No comments.
Tired and need rest.
Bye.

-nIx- @ [[3:54 AM]]

May 04, 2006

I realised..
that some things, will just appear
when you least expect it to.
Like how I stumble on fortyfours,
thrice or more late afternoon till now,
and plenty plenty in school.

And how I miss them when I see
thirty or forty plus and know
it's coming soon.
Go read through my books and suddenly
rush back, only to know that it's past.

I probably see at least 5 to 6
fortyfours a day, not with the intention
of counting down to it or whatsoever.
I just happen to see the time.

Fortyfour ; she'llleaveittoyou.

I'm sane today, rather!

-nIx- @ [[11:50 PM]]

She could go on like this forever.
Whothehell really cares?

-nIx- @ [[6:24 PM]]

`fortyfour.

Shealwaysstumbles on the samenumber,
overandover again.

-----

Today there'll be.
01hr:02min:03sec 04/05/06

Twice! I already missed one.
Actually, I don't care.
What'sthepoint?

-nIx- @ [[12:44 PM]]

Buckle up, hun, the ride's about to begin.
I see blood, and it's never a good thing.

She's got a one way, got a one way ticket
to ~~the moon~~her doom.

Wanna join her? I'm coming along too.
Or we could have a little fun, just her and I.

Could I buy a moment of your time, before I go?

-nIx- @ [[11:01 AM]]

`screwed.

Not in Joel's terms.
Since my sister's hogging the toilet,
I decided to go to the storeroom
to get a toothbrush, we have plenty.

Somehow my body stops in the kitchen
and my hands almost reached out for
a fork!

And my minds going,
"Hell yea, baby, let's start with
your eyes, shall we?"

These effortless thoughts are by far
the scariest my mind's ever whipped out.
No, I didn't sit and think of it.
The thought suddenly appeared.

And I actually tried to explode the
toothbrush packaging the way you
pop those wet paper towels at restaurants.
(Though I stopped doing that years ago)
Oh yes, my poor hand.

I'm scarier than I thought myself to be.

I don't know what's wrong with me.
Perhaps I do, but I don't want to
face nor admit the fact I do know.

I think it's high time I go to sleep
before I really injure myself unconsciously.

-nIx- @ [[12:26 AM]]

May 03, 2006

`onceuponatime.

There's always a beginning, and an ending.

Right now shepenstheending of herstory,
"2years of joy, a lifetime of sorrow.."

My friends make me smile, if only for short while.

-nIx- @ [[11:45 PM]]

`causeijustcantgoon.

I don'tknowher anymore, doyou?

She lost her self. Whataloser.

-nIx- @ [[6:22 PM]]

Today I saw 4 feMALES.
On the way to sch - 2got out at TP.
On the way home - 2got out at Orchard.
Okay.

1st group
-painted nails and toenails.
-heels
-black slippers
-black halter top with black BRA
(oh zhao geng) =x
-spags
-both jeans
-straw bag with shawl inside
-tied up shoulder length hair
-bad complexion
-accessories

2nd group
-pink slippers with flowers
-painted nails and toenails.
-black slippers with heart
-flat chested ladies attire
-flat chested indo style clothes
-both jeans
-photos of themselves
-big girly bag
-long bleached hair
-long hair
-thick makeup
-accessories
-tattoo

Today must be Trans day or something.
I never seen so many in a day before.
Okay excluding today I think
I only saw like 3 my entire life?

Enough with them.

-----

Today SUCKED.
Sigh.

takeitorbreakit.

-nIx- @ [[2:42 PM]]

May 02, 2006

`andyourheartwillleadyouhome.

Time for dae jang geum.
Alas something to keep my weary mind distracted.

I wonder.
How much longer I can last like this?

I should get some sleeping pills..

Tears don't lie.

-nIx- @ [[9:56 PM]]

`behindthesehazeleyes.

It kills to know.
It kills to think too.

Yet another day of blasting music
to drownawaythepain.

-nIx- @ [[8:22 PM]]

`whenthehurtstopshurting.

我好累。

-nIx- @ [[12:34 PM]]

They wouldn't listen.
They don't care.

Just let me die.

-nIx- @ [[10:01 AM]]

May 01, 2006

`wish this feeling wouldgoaway.

Tell me how effective can medicine be
when I've finished a whole bottle
of cough syrup and still be coughing away.
~~Maybe~~ the problem lies with m~~y willingn~~e~~ss to get better~~.

-nIx- @ [[11:32 PM]]

`behindthesehazeleyes.

Sometimes we say stuff that we'd
come to regret later.
Me? I don't know.
I suppose mine's neitherrightnorwrong.

fortyfour blues

-nIx- @ [[9:44 PM]]

`thegamesheplayed.
Never stepping in again.

If only she'dknownearlier.
All this shit getshernowhere
and sweetrevenge's just the worst
~~fuckedup~~idea she came out with.
She wouldn't have steppedin, at all.

The vengeance and hate has gone away.
But memories ; why'd they have to stay?

And love's the only cure..
but they turn her away...

I know what it feel like
toloseeverything.
When you shut yourself from the world,
when you're no longer smiling,
when every word of advice seems useless,
when motivation's no longer there,
when your listening ear's gone,
when you find yourself all alone,
when guilt rolls in over things
you should have or shouldn't have
done or said,
when questions come flooding in,
when scences replay in your mind at places,
when songs make you emotional,
when you feel like dying
and your life turns upside down
but you can't stop crying..

Sorry.
Neverending attacks.
I guess it'd never stop tilltheday,
the day mywishcomestrue.

-nIx- @ [[4:19 PM]]

`forwhoiamandwhati'mnot-

LOL gang blog in construction.

Somanyquestions, but no answers.

-nIx- @ [[3:15 PM]]

I can't decipher it;
or perhaps there isn't anything
hidden about it in the first place.

-nIx- @ [[12:33 PM]]

What's this?
It's killing me.

I wish I could just die.

Crying would only aggravate
my condition and cause the medicine
to be rather redundant.

But I just can't help it.

-nIx- @ [[10:09 AM]]

I wonder why the medicine's not working.
I want to sleep now.

I'm so tired.

-nIx- @ [[12:04 AM]]